I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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