He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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