so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
