I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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