I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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