She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
