I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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