When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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