i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
