dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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