I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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