If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
