I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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