woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
