meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
