Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
