I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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