i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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