I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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