My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
