i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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