I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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