Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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