You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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