so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
