Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize