Betty ford says i'm here all night
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
