when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
