he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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