it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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