So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
