please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
