These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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