I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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