I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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