Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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