if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
