This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
