if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
FUCK WHALES
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