Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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