Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
