I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
