Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
