This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
