She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize