Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
