ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
