Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
