Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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