I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
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