You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
