I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He? As in you personified your dick?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Randomize
