things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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