Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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