my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
