a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Im part way to drunk.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
