This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I need water and some morals
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
