I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
A bitchslap is in order.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
