sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
