dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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