I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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