Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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