You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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